Sun, 1/5/2014 at 11:53 AM 2013 Reviewed

The first couple days of 2014 have been a disappointment, so it only seems appropriate that I take the time to reflect on the year that has just passed. 

I'm not quite sure where to start. Looking back over the last few entries it seems like they will not be much help remembering what has happened. 2013 was supposed to be a big year for me. I had gone a long way towards reaching my weight loss goals, I was wearing new clothes, feeling better about myself and generally feeling more positive. I turned the big 3-0. I guess that doesn't matter so much in this area. In Lancaster, where I grew up, that's OLD. Most of those who stayed in the area were married or engaged in their 20's. It's hard to shake the feeling that I am falling behind a bit, but I've always sort of done things at my own pace and I have to remember that. I also had big plans for all of the improvements that I would like to make to my condo and how I was going to make them happen. 

So what happened? What did I do with this year worth noting, if anything? Questions like these always leave me feeling a little sad. I usually feel like the answer is "not enough" or some other varient that speaks to the unfulfilled plans. Since I was young I have had trouble with endings. The end of the school year was always a rough one for me. Most kids were excited by the prospect of summer days with their friends while I knew that although I would have the relative freedom of summer days, my friends all lived far away and it would be a few months until I would see them again. Still to this day I have trouble with finishing books. They can take you on such a wonderful journey and draw you in, but eventually the end of the book arrives. Even a series such as Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series which goes on for 14 novels, estimated around 11,916 pages (thank you wikipedia), must come to an end. The end of the year is little different for me now. I know the possibilities that days contain, but often have trouble locating them. All that aside, though, there were events, good and bad, of note. 

As noted in my last entry I did purchase a washer and dryer. While those are not the types of improvements that I had really hoped to make, now that the financial strain has passed, I can appreciate them a bit more and look at what else needs to be done. I spent a little bit of time over the holidays discussing with my father some of the options for next steps and trying to settle some of the decisions yet to be made. Part of the problem with starting with a blank slate is that you really have to decide what you're looking for. For example, if I were to be shown a bathroom and asked what I like about that bathroom, I may be able to come up with a list of things. If you were to show me a room that was to become a bathroom and ask me what I want in it, the possibilities are overwhelming. I suppose the best thing to do is to find the first step, and take it, then the second, then the third and so on until there are no more or I am ready to move on. 

I wrote about a new me that I considered new and improved, which of course can't be true. If something is new, how could it be improved? Anyway, I have done my best to stick to most of the exercise and some of the diet that helped me get there and I have even added some minor weight lifting to my routine to gain some strength. Unfortunately, with the arrival of the holidays and right behind them came the subzero temperatures. That makes running outside pretty difficult, even bundled up.  Still, I think the physical change, although it could always improve, is at least going to hang around for a while longer. 

One of the areas of my life that always seems to need improvement is my love life. I'm not quite sure what the deal is, but hopefully I will figure it out some day soon. 2013 saw me start and stop dating two wonderful young women. I can only assume that I am to blame for things not working out, but, since any relationship has to be a two way thing, I can't take all of the blame. What I have come to realize is that while I may be in better physical shape than I have been in a long time, my self-esteem is still pretty low. I get it, it's something I need to work on. Some relationships from my past have taken their toll too, but that is life. The lesson I am working on now is the whole "if you love something, let it go" which goes against my instincts to fight for it. Sometimes letting go of one thing that wasn't working makes room for something that will. 

Now that I feel like a fortune cookie, spouting bits of pseudo-wisdom, I am going to wrap this up. Things happened in 2013. Some of them were good, and some were heart-breaking and it is likely that 2014 could hold much the same... one can only hope. 

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Sat, 7/16/2016 at 1:54 AM RX

This part about endings... this is me. Do happy memories make you sad too?